Yeah! 3rd Trimester!

24 weeks, 26 week, 28 weeks

I don't see a huge change in the pictures, but the fact that I only wear these jeans for pictures now confirms that Baby Girl is indeed growing- or at least my waist is!

I love feeling the baby moving inside and it is so reassuring that everything is fine with her. I (thankfully) haven't had the painful & stiff, claw-like hands I had during my gestation with Russell, although I do wake up during the night with my arms experiencing pins & needles if I sleep on either side. I know I'm not really supposed to sleep on my back but it is the only position I can get a good rest.

So far, belly & baby have added 15 lbs to my body- which is healthy. We're eating as many juicy nectarines and B.C. blueberries that we can stomach right now, because the season is short and I'll miss the fruit once the fall comes:-)

A Temporary Farewell

My dear friend and her family are moving to Colorado today. Over the last few weeks, we've tried to squish in a couple last playdates and meals. It's been almost 5 years since we met and through it all, there have been many laughs, tears, and prayers.

We'll miss our friends so much but we know God will make their paths straight in Colorado. Now, I'm really excited to visit over the Christmas break! We were supposed to visit Dan's sisters and their families in CO for Christmas anyway, and visiting our friends will make it that much more special:-)

Stupid Comcast

The ads for our mammoth cable carrier, Comcast, always feature cheezy compaigns like, "everyone loves to save money" and "That's Comcastic!" Yeah. Idiot proof ads.

Here in the States, analogue TV went digital on June 12th. Last week, while relaxing after 14hrs of taking care of my child, I realized that half our channels were snowy. I figured, "some sort of upgrade... give it a few days." As of yesterday, the channels were still snowy. I know you might be thinking, "who watches TV during the summer, anyway??" Well, we do. We are suckers for movies and documentaries. And it's not like we can just take a walk around the block while our child sleeps alone at home.

I called Comcast and told them our problem. So much for help... they said our basic package now only went up to a certain channel, and we'd have to pay $12 more (plus taxes) to get back our other original channels. Not Comcastic. I asked why we should stay with them and if they had any insentive deals. "Not for existing customers," she said. I declined their offer.

The problem is, we are stuck with Comcast (for high-speed internet) and I hate spotty TV reception. Those years are behind me. AT&T doesn't serve internet in our area (near a population center of a few million) because we are out of the 5-mile radius of their internet servers. Grrr.

I don't mind paying the companies their prices when I know there is a contract of what we'll receive. What I don't like is getting stiffed in the deal when the companies decide to change their mind, cut service and add fees. Two years ago when our cell phone contract ended, we decided to get a pay-per-minute plan. Until then, 25% of our bill was fees and 'government' charges.

We may be one of the few backwards people in this high-tech area but that's okay. We're not stuck with $140/month iPhone bills, $150/month Comcast package 'deals,' and certainly not any other tech deal.

And life is still worth living!

63% done already!

Yes, 25 weeks today! I love every kick and sometimes Little Girl wakes me up. Guess I'd better get used to it;-)

Decluttering 1000 sq. ft.

Our place is just over 1000 sq. ft. If you were to discount the two bathrooms and little laundry room, you might be down to 850 sq. ft. So, my question: where does all this clutter come from???

Both the bedrooms have floor to ceiling closets, and there is plenty of built-in bookshelves in the living room- yet, when I look around, I still feel like stuff is seeping out of every crack and cranny. I usually do a donation run every 6-8 weeks to the local thrift store and I've been trying to curtail random Target purchases in an effort to save money and space.

My official mantras, "would I put this is in a moving truck, or not?" and, "if I haven't used it in the last year, get rid of it," work most of the time, but there are a few items that escape this reasoning... 1) camping equipment/sleeping bags, and 2) my fine china.

We used to camp a lot when we lived in San Diego (read: pre-children days). The items are of nice quality so I don't want to get rid of them because we'd like to camp again in the future (maybe another year or more). In regards to my fine china, I collected a few pieces in my teen years and was gifted some when Dan and I married. Most of the pieces were given to me when a great-uncle died and the estate was divided up. I still hope to have a china cabinet one day in the future.

In the mean time, I'll keep stacking items on top of the camping equipment and around the boxes of china. There are always other items that can be given away to make space for newly stored items:-)

My 'Old Fashioned' Side

I love names that have endured time but aren't 'old lady-ish', so in my pursuit for our little girl's name, I decided to read my 25 much loved L.M. Montgomery books again. My Anne books are the most read, so I wanted to start over with the not-so-famililar books, like Pat of Silver Bush and Mistress Pat. These are the only two books in this story line but if the author had decided to do so, I'm sure she could have written many more books about Pat.

Over the past two weeks, I've stayed up too many late nights- but it has been worth it when I enjoy the novels so much and my time doesn't feel wasted like it does when I read modern literature. In between the pages, I get a good cry when Bets dies and I feel the anxiety when Hilary Gordon supposedly gets engaged, and relief when Pat realizes it's not Silver Bush she loves but Hilary.

I'll wait a few more days to start the next novel. I want to ponder the story line a little longer before I slip the books back onto the shelf for another year or more:-)

Signs of Nesting...

- passing along some of Russell's outgrown baby/ toddler clothing to make room for Baby Girl's clothing

- giving Dan the evil-eye any time he mentions moving, even if he is thinking 2-5 years in the future

- trying to figure out how to fit both Russell's twin bed and a crib in the second bedroom... we'll be (hopefully) getting rid of our bedroom set (it attracts dust so badly, anyway), and moving the sofa chair into our room. Ta Da!

- we ordered a brand-new jogging stroller! I looked at the gold-standard, the Bob Revolution, and I just didn't like the short torso space between kiddo's seat and the sun-shade. I found a Baby Jogger online for the price I wanted and the style I wanted (discount because it was the '07/'08 model year). We donated Russell's well-used stroller a little while ago so my conscious is clear with this purchase;-)

- rereading the birthing packet we got from Russell's birth class in '05. I looked at the hospital's birthing classes, and the next one open is November/December. Oh well. In the middle of it all, you forget everything anyway;-)

- reading and rereading the baby name book. We're still convinced we should let the girl name herself...

20wk & 22wk belly photos

I took a few pictures when I was pregnant with Russell, and although I weigh a little less this time, my belly is bigger at the same gestational week-marks. When I finished work at the end of 5 months gestation with Russell, no-one could tell I was pregnant and I wasn't wearing pregnancy shirt. Definitely different this time.

These pictures are from this pregnancy...

20 week belly photo

22 week belly photo

Morning at Coyote Point

Yesterday morning, we met up with two other gals and their children. We visited the Coyote Point Museum. Russell loved the hands-on wind tunnel, complete with foam discs. Once it was time to see the animals (snakes, otter, birds), he lost interest in the playdate and wanted to go back to play with the foam discs. I think we'll take him to the Discovery Muesum in San Jose... it sounds a lot more like his interest level. At least I won't have to waste money on a zoo membership!

On the baby side of things, we're at 22wks, and my appointment this morning was uneventful and reassuring. Baby Girl continues to kick my upper abdomen and sometimes I can feel her arm movements in my lower abdomen. With exception to my continual hunger, I feel great. I keep from lifting too much or vacuuming too long or else I get uncomfortable but other than that, all is well.

Eye on the Prize

I never did well in Physical Education. The best I ever did in my younger years was an 'S' for satisfactory effort, and in later years, a C+, which was more for attendance than anything. I opted out of P.E. in grades 11 & 12 because the last thing I wanted to happen was to be tested with a 'fat' gauge to measure change in physical inches between Day 1 and the end of the year. Couldn't they guess what that would do to a teenage girl's self-esteem? Anyways, the goal for me all those years was June- and the end of PE for another two months.

During this pregnancy, I've kept my eyes on intermediate goals such as 1) strong beta hcg numbers, 2) 6 weeks, when the heartbeat is seen, 3) 9 weeks, the latest gestation date of our miscarriages, 4) 10 weeks, the promotion from RE's office to regular OB, 5) 13 weeks, the beginning of trimester #2. Last week, it was our 20wk milestone of half-way, and the anatomy ultrasound.

It continues to be surreal to be pregnant again and to feel Baby Girl's kicks and tumbling. It is difficult to wait four weeks in between appointments because I'd like someone 'official' reassure me everything is okay but in the meantime, my prayer life and dependency on God's provision carries me day-to-day.

In the past years since having Russell, I've sometimes wandered over to the girls' side of clothing stores but haven't lingered too long unless I'm buying for a friend's daughter. The girls' clothing was just so super-cute, it was hard not to at least look. Last weekend, I needed to drop a few items off at our Thrift Store and so I took the liberty of going inside and checking out the girls' isles. I don't plan on buying too much 0-12 month clothing because Dan's cousin's wife is setting a few bags aside since they have three daughters, but I still just wanted to look for random items that usually aren't given as gifts (coats, shoes, hats).

I was so pleased to find the following winter coat:

The picture doesn't do it justice, but for now, this coat symbolizes my 'eye on the prize' and hope. It will do Baby Girl for next winter (12-18 months) if we spend Christmas up in B.C. And for $1.99, who could pass it up?

A few more details...

I didn't write much yesterday because I was typing in between phone-calls to family, but to answer some questions:

- the ultrasound was scheduled for a one-hour time slot because in order for the doctors to confirm that everything (and I mean everything) is healthy, the technician measures every detail from tip to toe; diameter/ circumference of head, size of brain lobes, the three 'ropes' of the umbilical cord, detailed chambers of the heart (incredible to see all four!), liver, stomach, kidneys, length of arm bones and leg bones, size of feet. Like I said, everything. It didn't help that I drank 16oz of Gatorade water (Propel) before I went to the appointment. It took the technician 20 minutes to measure the head and get what she wanted since Baby Girl wouldn't stop moving.

- all along, Russell's said he's having a baby sister named Lucy (like his pal Jack has). So when I told him yesterday we were having a baby sister, he said, "yes, Mommy. I know." Dan couldn't come to the appointment with me because he was overly swamped at work so I called him with the news afterwards. I think we're both still shell-shocked. The names we (okay, I) picked out were all boys' names. After looking at the girl-end of the Name Book last night, we both agreed to let the child name herself once she got old enough. Seriously, is "Calypso" really a girl's name???

- as far as sleeping arrangements are concerned, we'll have both kids in the same room after three months (or so we hope). The nursery/ room decor I picked for Russell has neutral based tones with African animals on it, so that won't be a problem. (And, yes, Jenn, I'll be hanging up my Raggedy Ann framed cross-stitch!) Since we're renting, our walls continue to be a lovely egg-shell white, and will stay that way. I don't have an artistic bone in my body but even I would paint a wall if I could...

Thank-you for your continued prayers for healthy development and delivery of Baby Girl. The appointment yesterday was only to check on the baby's growth and not to check on the uterine muscle. At this point in pregnancy, every woman's uterine muscle is thinning so they don't measure that.

20 week ultrasound

The ultrasound went smoothly today:-) After about an hour, the technician said, "let's find out the gender." She wove the wand over to the baby's pelvis area and I said, "there's nothing there!" She replied...

"That's because it's a GIRL."

Gymboree, here I come...

"Awww..."

My youngest sister Andrea (19) and her boyfriend Kris (20) make a great couple. She's spending the summer up in Edmonton instead of coming back to Vancouver Island since there are more jobs available in the city and transit is easier (no car insurance, gas, etc.). Kris is the second of four boys and Andrea, the youngest of four girls and an older brother. Kris was cute and took her shopping for a dress for their first year dating-anniversary. I don't know if he'll ever go shopping with a woman again, but both seemed happy with the dress she chose!

I love ya, sis! I still remember the day you were born!

Pink or Blue?

Seven days 'til we find out! I'm praying the baby's legs aren't crossed in utero so we can find out the gender:-) We haven't even started thinking or talking about names but we'll have something picked out by the time the baby is born.

We asked Russell what toys the baby can play with once it is born. He said, "My old cars. And my Elmo car. I'll play with my new cars from Target." I guess a child only says what an adult only thinks! We'll work on sharing in the years to come.

PS- vote on the sidebar for gender!

My Helper

Since the maid quit (ha- ya, I wish!) and I don't always have the energy to actually do the housework, Russell's desire to help out has become, well, helpful:-) He loves the laundry, especially. I turn on the water and he fills up the washer. Later, when the dryer is finished, he is the one to pull everything out and pile it on the couch to be sorted- it saves my back a few extra bends:-)

He is also helpful taking plates off the table and on occasion, setting out the silverware as well.

As Russell grows older, his strong will becomes apparent, and we dislike having to discipline him, so I love the time we spend together when all is calm and sweet- and helpful. Someday, his wife will thank us;-)

Memorial Day weekend

This pictures sums up the Memorial Day weekend. We went out to see Dan's cousins in Lodi on Sunday afternoon. We ate dinner together and then checked into the hotel about 9pm. Since the room had 2 queen beds, that was no problem- just we weren't tired at 9pm- so the three of us stayed up to 10:30pm. Russell loved his bed and the TV right in front of it;-)

On Monday morning, we went back to the cousins' house and the kids played and we had the BBQ at 1pm. We left for home shortly after 3pm since we knew traffic would be heavy. Yes, that was an understatement. We sat (or drove about 5 mph) in 4 to 6 lanes of traffic for almost two hours. Good times in California! Russell zonked out in the car and was back to his energetic self once we got home. It's always great to be back on the Peninsula!

The Belly

It is an emotional struggle to weather the storm of secondary infertility (IF) because there is the guilt of already having one (or more) child(ren) and then desiring another when other women struggling with primary infertility don't have one child. A woman with secondary IF has one foot in the fertile world and another in the IF world. It is difficult to attend baby showers and still, you hope that if your day comes, your friends will be there for you as well.

For this reason, I've been more hesitant with this pregnancy to talk about it too much on this blog. In the last two years, I've become a faithful follower of the IF blogs listed on this page. Some of the women have m/c'd multiple times, and some have carried to term since I 'met' these women. Like others that have had loss, I want to be sensitive to my online friends.

At the same time, as time passes, we have more reason to hope that this pregnancy will end with a take-home baby:-) Friends and family check this blog as well, and it is nice to share with them our progress, as they are faithful prayer warriors for us...

I am beginning to feel the movement of our Little One on occasion. My belly only looks 'poochy' during the day but by 5pm, I feel 41 weeks pregnant and the waddling sets in (I'm guessing gravity has a lot to do with this;-). I'm still hungry every 2 hrs which Russell doesn't mind because he loves snack time with Mom. I've been buying more apples and oranges for snack and once peaches come into season, we'll be stocking up on those as well.

At 17 weeks, this is what the Belly looks like:

My next OB appointment is Wednesday the 27th, and from there, we'll schedule the 20wk gender/anatomy ultrasound. And this time, we are not keeping secrets. It was too hard to remember last time who wanted to know and who didn't. Way too stressful for us;-) A girl would be a definite change in toys and clothing around here but in all honesty, I'd love for Russell to have a brother. Thank-you all continually for your prayers for this baby and the ability of my body to carry/deliver this pregnancy in health and safety. Thank-you.

Happy Birthday, Sweetheart!

No, it wasn't Russell's birthday, but he celebrated like it was! From 6am when he woke up and I told him it was Dad's birthday, he asked, "Can we eat cake now?" Due to our oven dying on Friday evening, there was no plans for a b-day cake so I told Russell that we'd go to the ice-cream shop after his nap and maybe there would be cake there.

With the temperatures hovering around 95F this weekend, ice cream was definitely in need:-) Russell's had more candy toppings than ice cream but as you can see from the bit in his hair, he enjoyed every bite.

Maddie and her mom (and Dad) joined us for the treat:-) Beautiful little girl.

As we left Baskin Robbin's, Russell said he still wanted cake. This kid doesn't forget anything we say. Since I had promised him cake, we drove over to the grocery store and bought one piece of carrot cake in the deli section...

Russell insisted on a candle and then we both sang "Happy Birthday" to Dan very loudly;-)

Again, I should remind you that it was Dan's birthday and not Russell's, but I can tell you who enjoyed the celebration more!

I love you, Dan!!!

Mother's Day on Saturday

Since Sunday really isn't the best day for us to celebrate birthdays or other events due to commitments at church, we celebrated Mother's Day on Saturday. Dan and three of his friends planned out the surprise afternoon for us four gals: lunch at a nice restaurant then manicures and pedicures at a local spa/salon. It was so nice to have a relaxing afternoon. I wish someone could massage my feet every day!

Prayers for Aiden

Friends of ours in Oregon have an urgent prayer request on behalf of friends of theirs, the Fredette's. The Fredette's little 21 month old son, Aiden, fell out of a three story window onto concrete below. For the last two weeks, Aiden has been in a medical induced coma to slow the trauma to his body. He is slowly coming out of it, but may have some degree of brain damage. Please uphold this family... this was accident that happened only in a blink of an eye...

http://www.prayersforaidan.blogspot.com/

Boring OB Visit- finally:-)

Yes, I was in and out of the OB visit today in 10 minutes. Fetal heartbeat strong at 156 bpm.

This pregnancy is different this time around. Well, I'm different, I guess. Hearing the heartbeat was a relief instead of an expectation. I know now I was very lucky to have had a pregnancy in the past where I did not worry about miscarriage or other problems. When we saw the two pink lines for the first time, we called all our family and let them know. This time? We planned on telling friends/ family via birth announcement in the fall;-)

I hope that as the pregnancy progresses, I can get genuinely excited about it and that the fears will eventually subside. I am beginning to learn that no matter the outcome of an infertile woman's journey, infertility will always be a part of her story.

Food Lessons

I think I've mentioned on this blog that I love The Biggest Loser. I love seeing the participants finally 'get' it and start to change their lives and perspectives. Dan and I usually watch the show with a bowl of popcorn or some sort of snack which kinda defeats the purpose of educating the general population about healthier living, but oh well. I used to have a 24Hr Fitness membership (they sponsor the show), and I swear that Wednesday mornings were the busiest mornings of the whole week. I guess others felt motivated by Bob and Jillian as well;-)

One major concept I like about the show is the teaching of making better choices concerning food. For example, ground chicken is not as healthy as ground turkey breast because the manufactures of ground chicken include ground skin to make their product juicier. Yuck.

The other concept I like to see is that the trainers try and teach the participants that they actually have to eat substantial meals to lose weight. Some contestents think that less calories equal more weight loss but in turn, their bodies "freeze" due to lack of 'food fuel' and sometimes the contestents actually gain weight in the week instead of losing, despite hours of exercise.

On last week's episode, Bob (the trainer) made the contestents video-tape their meal prepration so he could see what they were (or weren't) eating. Wow. I had no idea the contestents were eating so little- and neither did Bob, since he yelled at them for basically starving themselves. Ah- vindication. It was great to hear Bob say that sharing 1/3 of a yam between three adults wasn't a portion- it was starving the body. Mmm. I love fresh, baked yams, and more is better;-) He also emphasized the need of our body for protein and healthy fats such as olive oil.

As summer approaches, I'm looking forward to all the fresh fruits available and I hope that maybe a little of what Bob has taught me through the TV screen will stick. It's okay to eat- just lots of the right stuff.

PS- yes, there is Ben & Jerry's in my freezer. There usually is!

13 weeks

I'm now in the second trimester! Yeah! For someone who hasn't seen a fetal heartbeat in a few years, this is a true milestone.

My OB personally called today to see how we are doing. Wonderful doctor. I'll see him next Wednesday for a routine visit.

Today I also did some baking, for the first time in a long time. It was a good day.

Friday at Stanford

I went back to Stanford today for the NT scan (ultrasound). The perinatologist said the baby looks healthy (per their measurements for length, head, neck, etc.). Wonderful! Please pray that my body remains strong to carry this little one to term.

And as a side note, to those of us who do have healthy children, remember to thank God for their health on a daily basis. I walked by the children's cancer ward at the hospital today and seeing those little ones makes your heart cry. Life truly is so fragile.

The Next Appt.

I called UCSF yesterday and they had already cancelled my appointment with Dr. Callen for today since I had been seen on Friday night. I e-mailed Callen and asked him if he'd weigh-in on our case but I'm not hopeful he'll do so. We are content with the care we were given on Friday.

On Sunday morning, my RE called (RE/fertility clinics are open 7 days/week due to the nature of things), and I was glad to have stayed home from church. Dan and Russell went but I needed the quietness and peace of my own home. A little praise music and a window full of sunshine does wonders for my soul.

Anyway, the RE asked a lot of questions about the Stanford visit and the UCSF visit. I filled her in since the reports were sent to my OB's clinic instead, since he ordered the exams. Our RE has been seeing us since September '08, and she has been very easy to work with- and very accessable. The RE was not thrilled with the 'alarmist' report from Stanford and was pleased that UCSF gave us a more hopeful prognosis. I was glad she called as well because I had a few of my own questions about the anatomy of the uterus (I've learnt more in the last two weeks about Biology than I did in high-school) and our case. She was more than informative and put my fears to rest. Bless her heart.

Our next exam/ultrasound is this Friday for the nuchal translucency test. Our OB encouraged us to have the appointment, but for our own sanity, we will not be reading the results. (He will, of course). The NT test gives you the fetus's chances of Down's Syndrome and other birth defects. We opted not to have this exam with Russell, as it is an elective test. We've had our nerves rattled enough and since this test does not even yield 100% results, we don't need that stress on our hearts and minds.

Again, thank-you for your continued prayers and love...

Easter Weekend

With all the 'excitement' around here the last two weeks, Russell has been a champ despite the lack of attention and the numerous play-dates at friends' houses. On Saturday, he was allowed to open his Easter present from Grandma and Papa (my parents). Big yellow 18-wheeler? Big score! It even opens so he can put his smaller cars inside.

On Sunday morning, we presented Russell with his first Easter basket, complete with multi-colored grass. He got his first WordWorld DVD and a bag of Starburst jellybeans. Again- big score for him;-)

My memories of Easter as just as special. I'm sure my Easter basket is still crammed somewhere in my parents' house.

For a few years, we'd travel from Vancouver Island to the city of Vancouver to attend a weekend Easter church conference.

We would stay at the family cottage in Point Roberts and drive into the city- maybe an hour by the time we got there. We'd dress up in our church finery (hat and Bible included) and pile into the van. At some point in the morning, we were given our Easter basket which contained chocolate and candy. I have no idea how long the conference was on the Saturday morning and afternoon, but as children, it seemed to last hours. We'd munch on our Easter stash to pass the time.

I remember there was always one family that would attend and they would sit right up front- which meant they were the first in the lunch line at the cafeteria. Of course, we were closer to the back, and by the time we were in the lunch line, we had to wait (and wait...) for the line to move while my parents reconnected with old friends and extended family members.

After lunch, my dad and I would walk across the street to the cemetery. As a child, I didn't think this was morbid, I thought it was special. The cemetery was quiet and it was one-on-one time I could spend with my dad. A few times, I remember taking a daffodil wrapped up in wet papertowel and plastic wrap to lay on my great-aunt's tombstone. She had been my Grandma's only sister. I also remember liking the Chinese section of the cemetery and the strange symbols etched on their stones.

Dan wants to ensure we start family traditions since he doesn't remember much tradition in his family. Although candy and chocolate are only the superficial side of Easter, I think what it does do is instill anticipation of a special holiday and memories of youth- a sweet time that is so limited in this world.

"This is what is written: The Christ will suffer and rise from the dead on the third day, and repentance and forgiveness of sins will be preached in his name to all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. You are witnesses of these things..."
Lk. 24:46

"All Things are Possible..."

"(We) cried out to God for help; (we) cried out to God to hear us. When (we) were in distress, (we) sought the Lord; at night we stretched out untiring hands and our souls refused to be comforted...

"Then I thought, 'To this I will appeal; the years of the right hand of the Most High.' I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mightly deeds.

Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."

Ps. 77: 1, 13-14

After a day and a half of making phone calls and getting nowhere due to the insurance company, UCSF called us in a dither insisting that we drive up to the City immediately for an exam. It was 4:30pm on a Friday- and a holiday weekend. Could we be there by 5pm? I told the doctor that the soonest we'd be in her office was at least an hour since we had to find childcare and drive the 30+ miles. She said she'd keep the ultrasonographer in the hospital.

We reached UCSF at 5:45pm and had our exam (3D ultrasound- very cool!). The doctor on staff was a resident but he assured us he had consulted with the department head, Ruth Goldstein, as she had access to my ultrasound films on her computer at home. He said the pregnancy was a normal pregnancy and not a cornual pregnancy. The uterine wall was thin but he said there was no reason the pregnancy shouldn't progress in good health.

We have another doctor's consult scheduled on Tuesday as well at UCSF with the doctor that wrote the book on ultrasonography, Peter Callen. I'll find out on Monday if we should keep that appointment or not, or if Callen could just weigh in on our case by looking at our pictures.

The last two weeks especially have been emotionally and physically draining. We've heard and read the worst. We've hoped against hope when all looked dire. We began to mourn a child we'd never meet until Heaven. Now, we have reason to put all this behind us and embrace this pregnancy and anticipate a baby. We've been stung too often in the past to be naively pregnant but as the days pass and time erases the rawness of the last two weeks, I know we'll recover and begin to prep Russell for shared parent time, and the arrival of a new baby.

Please, for the prayer warriors that have banged on Heaven's gates, continue to lift us up. My body needs to remain strong to carry this child. Pray for health and strength for this child as well. Life is so fragile and it is only more so in utero.

It is difficult to say so at this time, but we truly hope that these years of infertility will be used for God's glory. If we could hug each of you that have prayed for us, we would:-)

Maybe there are miracles?

So, we're still up in the air, both emotionally speaking and in the decision-making process. We saw two specialists today and they contradicted each other's findings.

Doctor A) Concluded that the pregnancy was indeed a 'cornual pregnancy' that would indeed rupture my uterus within a few days. We left the ultrasound room very shaken but determined to move ahead with the recommended surgery. He had called my OB and said my OB wanted to talk with us.

We went to see my OB and he admitted that with the odds of a cornual pregnancy being 1 in 2500 he had not seen one (he's delivered probably a few thousand babies... no exaggeration) and wanted us to see another specialist for another opinion. The surgery recommended would not be a simple D&C but a more invasive, risky procedure that would have to be preformed by an oncological surgeon.

So, off we went to see Doctor B. She did an ultrasound and said that she just wasn't convinced that the pregnancy was cornual, and although the myometrium was thin, the pregnancy was inside my uterus and not on the fallopian tube border, therefore no chance of uterine rupture.

This day has been a roller coaster for us, needless to say. We want to believe Doctor B. 150% but we still are realistic of the risks and my OB will refer us to two different specialists at Stanford and possibly UCSF before coming to any firm conclusion.

Thank-you for your prayers. We know that we are far from a confidently, healthy pregnancy, and we need the discernment of the doctors to give us a clear, affirmative directive. Uterine rupture is risky in certain terms but the surgery is not a simple procedure.

Update

I didn't know what else to call this post, so I just wrote 'update.' To say that this is an announcement is an overstatement at this point. We are pregnant again. As of today, I'm 10w5d. Fetal heartbeat strong at 160 bpm. I take daily doses of Lovenox and Endometrin.

The crappy news? (Of course there is!) The pregnancy has situated itself in the upper right hand corner of my uterus near the fallopian tube. The muscle is thin (3mm) in that area (this is natural) and as the baby grows, it will stretch the muscle out. If I used expletives, there would be one here ___________.

My OB has referred us to a high-risk OB at Stanford in addition to seeing a perinatologist on the 17th.

Unofficially, there are three options. We'll wait for our high-risk consult before deciding...

1) Wait it out and hope that nothing happens- stats on this aren't probable.
2) Risk a high chance that my uterus will tear about the 17-20 week gestational mark. Fatal for baby and dicey for me.
3) Terminate the pregnancy before I lose my uterus and any hope of having another baby.

If you'd like to know how I feel, attach a ticking timebomb to your belly and see how it feels. I kinda angry right now. And really scared.

Retreat Weekend in Asilomar

No, not snow. This sand is finer and softer than that in Hawai'i (or so I'm told!).

The wind was cold and the surf rugged but always beautiful...

Sorry for the Silence...

Sorry for the silence on the blog. Sometimes I have ideas about postings, but when it comes to typing, my fingers are still and somehow, what I wanted to write no longer seems important.

I went to a ladies' retreat this past weekend, just south of Monterey, CA. I'll post pix soon. The speaker spoke on the book of Hosea in the Bible. She illustrated how as Hosea pursued and redeemed his prostitute wife, Gomer, God also pursues us- even though we follow and distract ourselves with other gods. God yearns for us to come to Him and rest in His love. This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn.

Over the past two years of our recurrent pregnancy losses, I have often felt abondoned by God- why would He allow life that He created to fail in its' initial stages? Then, as the tears come and my body begins to heal itself once again, I have felt the love of God. It does not come in a superficial way. It comes as love through friends' hugs and tears. It comes in phone calls and words of comfort. God's love comes as a whisper when I feel totally alone and yet, when I count the friends that have promised to 'hold up our arms in prayer' (as Aaron did for Moses), I know God loves me. He has pursued me throughout this pain and although I still don't know the reason for our losses, I know that He is more real to me than He was two years ago. I know He has seen our tears and as a parent weeps over a child, He has wept with us.

The conference speaker asked us what we thought the first thing would be when we reached Heaven. She hoped Jesus would call us to himself, and he could cup our face in his hands, and say, "Do you know how much I love you?" Oh, how I hope she is right!

Robert the Robber

We love dropping Russell off at his Sunday School class (2.5yrs-3.5yrs). He hugs the teacher, hangs up his coat on the hook, and readily helps the teacher set out books, crayons, etc. He also loves snack time which is comprised of the cherished "Goldfish Crackers" which I've convinced him are only eaten at church so he doesn't ask for them at Target. Poor kid. No harm done;-)

When we pick Russell up from his class an hour or so later, I like to ask the teacher what songs were sung and what Bible story was taught so we can reinforce it later at home. Yesterday, when I went to get Russell, I asked him what Bible story he learned. He told me, "Robert hurt someone. Robert was bad."

Now, to those reading, you may know a kind Robert, but to Russell, Robert is the man that Dan works for. In real life, Dan's boss has nothing short of a bad temper and an irrational personality, so I wondered if Russell was repeating something he overheard at home. Oops. In my moment of confusion, I asked the teacher what the Bible lesson was for the day. She said, "The Good Samaritan." Finally, I understood. When the teacher said, "robber," Russell heard "Robert."

We spent the drive home explaining who a robber was and that Robert doesn't hurt people and take their money. It was a reminder to us that as Russell grows older, he will remember our adult conversations and we'll need to be mindful of "little pitchers with big ears."

A few pix

When I arrived in San Diego on Friday morning, April picked me up and we had lunch with our friend Jen and her husband Clay, and little son Cayden (1yr) in La Jolla. Then, we spent the afternoon just sitting on the La Jolla cliffs and enjoying the sun... even San Diego was drenched with rain this past week so everyone out there seemed to have an extra pep in their step:-)

Later that evening, we went over to Kristin & Joseph's house for dinner and smores. Good times with good people...

Clay, Joseph, Kristin, myself.

On Saturday, April and I walked around Coronado and ate lunch at Cafe 1134. Sweet times. Thanks, April for being an awesome hostess!!!

Off to San Diego (my secondary home)

Friday morning, I'm off to San Diego to meet up with April and another friend, Jen, who now lives in Florida. Thanks to Southwest Airlines intra-state California $49/way fares, I can fly cheaper than driving... and it saves me 6 hrs in time;-) San Diego is my second home... I love everything about it... the beaches, the people, the city, the climate, the Navy;-) It is going to be a boys-weekend here at this house!

Pancake Morning

As we usually have buttermilk pancakes on Saturday mornings, and today being Valentine's Day, I was excited to use my Williams-Sonoma purchase of a few years ago: shaped V-Day pancake molds. Of course, the box looked prettier but as Dan and Russell can attest, our tasted better! We live for Saturday morings:-)

Two Years... and counting.

As of yesterday, it has been two years since we started having miscarriages. What have the last two years looked like? Lots of tears, doctor's appointments, and bloodwork. And still, no answers. We're begging God for the next two years to be different.

February 7th is otherwise a fun date for us. It was the date of my salvation in 1988, and it was the birthdate of my childhood hero, Laura Ingalls Wilder. In 2002, it was the date of our first (and only?) real date in San Diego. Dan had picked me up at a friend's house after work about 3pm and we spent the rest of the day/night together, until midnight. Those were the days! February 7th, 2006, was also the official due date for Russell. Some days just 'stick out' on the calendar, and February 7th will always be one of them.

I am so thankful every day that God sent Dan into my life. As I've shared with my sisters, "any guy can be with you in the good times. You want a guy that will be with you in the bad." Dan has been a champion the last two years and I am so thankful for him.

Russell's Birthday Weekend

On Saturday, we took Russell for his first CalTrain ride. We rode to Santa Clara's depot, where there is a free museum for the public to view and train hobbists to enjoy. Russell loved the train and it was a hit! (For locals, the museum is only open Tuesday and Fridays and is by donation.)

The whole 'no touching' rule was a little difficult for Russell to handle since he wanted to play with the train sets and cars, etc.

For Sunday dinner, we had two couples over for pizza and cupcakes- complete with Curious George decorations.

Yup- he liked the presents! It is so hard to wait when you're only 3!!

Happy 3rd Birthday, my Son!

How time has passed so quickly. I'm excited for Russell's future but I miss his baby-ness as well. Thankfully, he's still young enough to kiss and snuggle with:-) Happy birthday, son. We love you.

Our Pix

These are our pictures from the other day. Picture People does not charge a sitting fee and they happily exchanged the pictures I returned for the ones we wanted. Not a dime more! I like PP because they specialize in picture-taking, unlike Sears or JCP's, where I find that the photographer is the same person answering the phones and selling lawn mowers. Not my style;-) Dan scanned these in so the pictures aren't as sharp but this will do for now.

A Day at the Mall

I took Russell to the mall today to have his third-year pictures taken at Picture People. For the second time.

We went yesterday as well. I had the outfit chosen for him and he behaved nicely for the photographer. Only problem? The prints were a lot darker than they looked on the computer screen when I was selecting which prints we would purchase. When I got home and put an 8x10 in a frame, it was just too dark. I knew I'd be hating the picture for the next 365 days, so I called Picture People and made another booking for today.

The pictures from today were on a lighter background and turned out much better. And since we were only at the studio yesterday, we didn't have to deal with Russell's bashfulness today;-)

As we were sitting on the bench waiting for our pictures to be printed, we people watched and saw...

- a woman in yoga pants and high-healed shoes
- a man in a winter coat and shorts
- a senior couple with a huge bag full of bread loaves.

Yup, it was an interesting day!

"Non-viable"

I had a sinking feeling this morning when the pregnancy test I took only resulted in a faint line instead of the bright pink line of Saturday morning. I've ridden this ride too many times to know what that indicated. My bloodwork this morning only indicated an hcg level of 6. Not 60, not 600. Only 6. An hcg level of 100 is desirable at this point, but a 6 is a slap in the face.

Dan was at Costco today and bought flowers and a bottle of red wine. Glad to have them both.

I don't know where we go from here.

Tomorrow, the 44th President of the USA will be sworn into office: the same man that will mandate and promote embryonic stem cell research. God help this nation.

Saying Good-bye to Traditional Scrapbooking

Every time I attempt to vacuum our bedroom, I have to lift (or navigate around) my large (but very nice) scrapbooking box/container. I bought the plastic container about 5 years ago when I finally gave up trying to keep random bags of all my supplies contained.

The last pictures I scrapbooked were from our trip to D.C. in May 2007 (in Russell's album) and Laura's wedding (in our family album). I have come to the resolve to use up most if not all of what I own this calendar year of 2009 and then henceforth, scrapbook online on Snapfish or Shutterfly (I also know that Creative Memories have a similar offer). I'm not an artistic sort of person and scrapbooking takes more detail and time than I wish to invest. I made a "birth-2 years" album of Russell for my Grandmother for Christmas 2007 and I really liked the outcome.

So, as Russell's third birthday approaches, I currently am printing out pictures from his second birthday and scrapbooking them;-) I don't mind vacuuming around my scrapbook box for another few months...

Chasing a Dream

I've been asked a couple of times recently so I probably should blog and say that I am, and have been, taking the Lovenox injections for almost two weeks now. After 15 minutes of an ice-pack on my belly, the shots don't hurt but I do have a weird sensation afterwards as the cold wears off. The bruising hasn't been too bad at all, either.

If we don't get pregnant (and stay pregnant) this cycle, we're stepping off this circus ride for a while. Not that age has everything to do with it but I am turning 30 this year and I want to be in a better place emotionally and physically speaking. I can't do heavy exercise during pregnancy and after the miscarriages my body is so drained I just don't have the stamina for more than a walk to the park. I want to live my life not in perpetual fear that anything I might do may cause another miscarriage. I want to eat sushi and drink red wine without thinking twice.

This has been a difficult journey for us. The doctors still don't have answers. IVF won't help us because we can get pregnant: we just can't stay pregnant. It is so frustrating and oftentimes, I feel like our prayers aren't being heard- and yet, I know this isn't true.

So, please bare with us, as in the next few days we'll find out if we're pregnant again... and to see how long it lasts. I hate calling "wolf" but I also want you to know why (if all fails) we're taking a long-needed break.

Box Tops for Education

For years, I've noticed the Box Tops on a lot of products. I like clipping coupons, points (on Pampers) and patronizing companies that give me triple points on our Alaska Airlines credit card. I like the incentive programs as long as they don't cost me money and I benefit in the long run (think "free airline tickets"). I started clipping the Box Tops last year because I kept thinking that someday I could donate them (the expiry dates are usually 1-2 years in the future).

Well, that time has come. With the state in bankruptcy and (supposedly) issusing IOU's instead of state refund checks during tax season, the schools are suffering as well as most publically funded programs. I thought as a church we could collect as many as possible and donate them to the school that is our 'semi-annual' project (usually one in May, and one in November). If 200 people donated 100 Box Tops at 10c/top, that is $2000 for the school. Not a whole lot, but not too bad, either.

For my friends out of the area that would like to contribute as well, that would be wonderful! I still have to talk with the organizers at church about structuring this idea but if you could start saving now, the Box Tops add up quickly. It would be so great if in May, we could hand a needy school a few thousand dollars and help support a few more kids in the learning process:-)

A Rockin' Start to 2009

Have you seen the news in the last few days? The war between Israel and Hamas. Millions of people laid off in China. The USA in debt into the trillions. People in Europe freezing because of the lack of fuel to heat their homes. Happy New Year, eh?

Our pastor has been teaching the book of Revelation this past fall and will continue through June. This past Sunday, he focused on chapter four. "And there before me (John) was a throne in heaven with Someone sitting on it (vs. 2)... also, before the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal (vs. 6)." For those with a Bible, I encourage you to read the whole chapter.

What picture in your mind does the One seated on the throne in front of a sea of glass bring? Peace. True peace. Not a truce, not a stalemate.

When our worlds are rocked with instability and insecurity, pain and confussion, be mindful that God is still in control. He is seated on His throne. Not because He doesn't care. No, it is because His knows what will happen ultimately and He has a plan for His creation.